Daytime Television Truths

I admit it. I will even shout it: I LOVE ALL MY CHILDREN! I know, I know it is cheesy and ridiculous. It is mind-numbing brain candy but I eat it up every chance I get.

I got hooked on it many many years ago when the middle-aged women I used to work with were glued to it during our lunch hour. I developed a slight crush on Leo Dupree and hoped with all my heart and he and Greenlee Smythe would one day finally find true happiness with each other (Obviously I did not know about the Daytime Television Truths then).

One day after I had left the workforce to pursue my current exploits as a Holly Homemaker I was walking around the filthy house in my slippers with my hair in curlers and stuffing bonbons into my bonbon hole when I flipped on the TV and to my supreme delight I saw Ryan Lavery about to get married to some broad I didn't recognize (little did I know she would eventually go completely nuts after killing her brother and stab Erica Kane at Zach Slater's company fundraiser). Oh, I had missed them terribly and hadn't even realized it. I think it took me about 2 weeks to get completely up to date on the happenings in Pine Valley after about 5 years of not watching a single episode.

For your reading pleasure I have articulated a few All My Children truths. I think they are pretty universal and would apply to most soap operas. Here goes.

1. You know someone is about to die as soon as they finally find true bliss with their on-again-off-again fiance or spouse (when Leo and Greenlee finally found it he want sailing over a waterfall on his motorcycle and died).

2. You can be forgiven for virtually anything including murder, drugging an entire town with libidozone (a drug which you invented for that purpose), kidnapping, adultery, throwing someone into a pool on their wedding day while in their wedding dress, arson, pretending someone elses baby is yours, the list goes on and on and on and well, you get the idea).

3. You can have children (even newborn babies) without ever taking care of them and not even appearing to care where they are most of the time (that is until they get kidnapped).

4. You can have a perfect body and a perfectly clean house without ever exercising or cleaning your house.

5. It is way more common than you think to fall over a waterfall and die.

6. A healthy number of people in a small town go completely nuts.

7. An equally healthy number of people in a small town are also demonically evil.

8. Acting lessons are overrated.

I am really looking forward to Kendall waking up from her coma (which she slipped into after being injured in the recent tornado) to find out that her lesbian sister, Bianca, used her hubby's tadpoles to make herself a baby. I have a feeling that Kendall forgiving Bianca just may be this year's Christmas Miracle.

Weekdays at 12:00 on ABC.